Fantasy Football & Absolute Truth

The city of Moralville once had a great football team called the Absolutes. The Absolutes were known for their precision, adherence to the rules, and rigorous work to achieve peak performance. The people of Moralville loved their famous team and cheered them on at every turn. Every Saturday afternoon Freedomfield was packed with eager fans.

Img14Over the years, however, the people of Moralville began to have a change of heart. They started questioning Coach Correct's decisions. "He's too black and white" they would complain. Soon the questioning turned to public disapproval. The sports writers of the local paper featured politically-correct editorials on the "Fairness of the Game" and "Playing by Your Own Rules".

The rising discontent with the Absolute franchise was brought to a head when Coach Correct hired a new defensive coordinator who vowed to continue to train the players by the official Rule Book. The public became outraged and, after much pressure, Coach Correct resigned.

Moralville was a small city, and one day an outsider visited Freedomfield. He was experienced in football. In fact, he was fresh out of NeoSport University with a degree in modern recreation. When the people learned of this, they decided that it was just what their team needed. A new man with fresh ideas and up-to-date training. It was not long before this outsider, Mr. Nocertain, was hired as the coach.

Coach Nocertain proposed a list of changes that would bring the Absolute franchise up to speed with the modern times. First, he suggested a change in the names and uniforms. Instead of the Absolutes, the team was to be called the Relatives, and, instead of the traditional black and white jerseys, they were to wear a variety of colors and designs. Coach Nocertain felt that this variety would help each player maximize his or her own potential. The new coach then hired a staff who would support him in his changes. The biggest suggested change was to scrap the old Rule Book and instead allow the players to show their personality on the field without being hindered by Somebody else's rules.

The next game was a memorable one. The stadium, which was now dubbed Lawlessfield, was overflowing with people. Some said the whole town of Moralville was there. The excitement was such that you could feel the electricity in the cool September air. The visiting team kicked off and a Relative in a yellow and khaki jersey caught the ball and began running. He ran 37 yards, but the crowd wasn't cheering. He had run the wrong way. Honest mistake, perhaps.

Coach Nocertain immediately employed his new offensive strategy. The team lined up in what seemed to be a circle near the ball, because the players were allowed to line up however they felt led. One man in a blue and plaid jersey was on the other side of the line of scrimmage, so the refs blew a whistle. The team looked at the coach, who had a rather blank look on his face. "What does this mean?" he wondered. "Was it time for lunch? Why was this striped guy on the field anyway, and with a whistle?"

Well, they ironed out the mishap and hiked the ball. The offensive lineman stepped aside when they saw the defenders charging at them. Who wants to get hit by a 300 pound mass anyway? The quarterback was pounded into the dirt and carried away on a stretcher.

Shortly after this, the second string quarterback was put in the game. Anticipation was still filling were convinced this was just a warm-up. The ball was hiked a second time and the quarterback threw it up with all his might, and the ball was miraculously caught just a few yards from the end zone. The players rejoiced at this apparent victory and demanded that points be added to the scoreboard. The officials reminded them that although it was an impressive catch, no points could be awarded until they entered the end zone. At this, Coach Nocertain started to get fumed, "Who are you guys anyway? What right do you have to tell my team where the end zone is? They did enter their own end zone and gave some good effort too. Just because your end zone is over there doesn't mean that's true for everybody!"

The crowd was getting confused. What was going on down there?

It was time for the Relatives to kick-off. The kicker complained that he didn't want to give the ball to the other team--he was having fun watching his team have the ball. However, he consented and went ahead with it. The visitors had an impressive return and then lined up for the first down.

The quarterback tossed the ball down the field toward his receiver, but the Relative defense tackled the receiver before the ball ever got close. Flags were thrown for pass interference. The coach, now quite annoyed, demanded that a nearby police officer fine those striped men for littering yellow cloths on public property and for foisting their archaic set of rules on a sport that had clearly outgrown the need for them. The owners of the team were consulted and, feeling helpless in the face of public opinion, were duty-bound to eject the referees from the park.

The Relatives huddled up. "OK, guys, now that those striped whistling guys are gone, we can get down to business. Everybody know what you want to do? Let's go!" The visitors hiked the ball again and as they did so the Relatives began running in every direction. Some jumped into the stands to find their families who had come to watch the game. Some took off their shirts and laid down on the 50 yard line. A few devoted players chased the ball around the field until they were tired out. The game turned to utter chaos.

The clock stopped and the buzzer sounded. One of the players, who was wearing a white tuxedo, started getting really upset now. "Who are they to tell me when I should take a break? Their quarter is different than mine. I want to keep playing. That clock is not the same as my watch..." The argument continued. Players who argued for rules in the game were labeled "bigots and extremists" and those who sided with Coach Nocertain were trumpeted as "innovative and progressive".

The crowd was getting pretty fed up now, and was beginning to remember the old days of victory when Coach Correct had the team playing by the Rule Book. Coach Nocertain came over the loudspeaker and encouraged everyone to remain calm.

"Remember, you need to be tolerant of other people's beliefs," he pleaded. "Just because someone doesn't play football the way you like, doesn't mean we can't all have fun anyway...just keep your opinions to yourself. Don't be so narrow-minded!"

There was no stopping the chaos, however. People ran in all directions across the field, and the crowd was angrily looking for Coach Nocertain. The people ran him out of town.

They voted to re-hire Coach Correct and bring back those old black and white uniforms. An official statement read by the mayor of Moralville said: "We, the people of Moralville now recognize that the game of football must be played in the traditional way according to the league Rule Book in order for it to be enjoyable for everyone."

The next season, Freedomfield was packed out again. Hot dog vendors roamed the stadium as the people watched the Absolutes crush their opponents week after week. Order had been restored to this small city, and once again little children dreamed of being an Absolute when they grew up. No one ever questioned the Rule Book again, nor did they object when Coach Correct would hire those who taught the Rule Book. The Absolutes have been victorious ever since.


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